Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We need a shit load of segways right now
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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