Pants 0. Shit 1.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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