hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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