They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
