Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
