I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love having hate sex.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
