Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm jealous of your bromance
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
