yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
