Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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