Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
