My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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