3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
