Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
