i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
