Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
