too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have fence marks all over my body
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
