forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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