her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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