I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
