We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize