i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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