i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
