oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize