I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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