what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize