thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
