hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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