I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
