Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
