Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
