Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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