I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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