So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
