Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
