You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
