I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Randomize
