Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
