alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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