god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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