y did u give ur computer a hand job?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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