Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i came on her dog
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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