fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
