forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
