she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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