I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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