I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
