Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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