i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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