I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
