when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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