If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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