you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
