Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
