I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
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