I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
