The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize